I’ve been researching a lot on co-dependency. I’m more aware of the symptoms and patterns of codependent behavior, and being open to this knowledge is helping me to re-focus my intent and actions. The thing is, I often find myself wanting to instigate something exciting, only to stop myself, because yay for non-manipulative, authentic interactions. I’m noticing that my life is so much quieter, and with the absence of noise that I create and feed and allow to exist around me, I’m left with time, room, energy to think about my own goals, desires, projects – things that actually have long-standing purposes that benefit me and my world. It’s a level of self-love that requires a lot of self-discipline, because I’m so used to falling back on certain patterns – unhealthy patterns – in order to fulfill a need.
It’s a logical evolution but I must admit I’m shocked at how different my life is feeling, versus when I was flailing around blindly for attention and validation. Allow me to share below some of the patterns of codependency I noticed within myself.
– Have trouble setting healthy priorities and boundaries
– Do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom they are attracted
– Express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways
The full list is here, btw.
Anyway – I went to my first Co-Dependents Anonymous meeting this morning. Being in a space today, at the meeting, where other people are openly dealing with similar issues and hearing about how these issues affects their lives, was so validating. I left and had to cry for a sec; I don’t think I realized how much I need this support.
The experience I’m having lately with putting into practice things I’m learning is making my life a lot more … quiet. That is the main thing I notice, is the quietness. It’s quiet in my mind and outside my mind. (Is this a result of boundaries?)
And then, out from this quiet, almost-boredom, comes an idea. “Why don’t I go skate outside, since I’m forcing myself to not stalk my ex on social media?” Or, “Why don’t I read a few more pages of a book, or take the dog for a walk?” And then I pick a thing and do it for the next twenty minutes or whatever, and life goes on. It reminds me of summer vacation, before 2001. There was literally nothing to do, and so there was everything to do!
By eliminating – or working on eliminating – situations that are mindlessly, needlessly stressful, I am re-wiring my emotional and mental template from something like a hurricane to something like an oasis. And I like to hang out here, by the water.