I’ve been working on my dependencies lately, most critically the nature of co-dependency and the nature of finding emotionally unavailable people attractive. One thing that has become apparent as I go down this healing journey, is that I am using other substances as an additional source of dependency. I’m talking about addiction.
I’m talking about substance abuse, I’m talking about drugs. I’m talking about how facing down one inner demon inevitably leads to another one lurking in the wings. Once I start trying to live a better life, it snowballs. In the long run, this is great. In the short term, I feel like my life is falling apart.
It’s scary to be making such sudden and drastic changes in my daily routines and interactions. I feel like friends will fall away, and I find myself overcompensating sometimes out of fear that they will leave if I don’t remain the same way, if I start setting new boundaries for myself. I am trying to accept that it is entirely likely that when I change, my social groups may change in some ways too. I am trying to accept that this is neither good nor bad nor a judgement at all, but rather a natural byproduct of living my own life. People are allowed to come and go as they please, and I am trying to be myself and see who comes and who goes.