Ugh. Just ugh. Here’s a piece that has been in my mind, pricking it my brain, for days now. It’s about why getting healthy, mentally and physically, actually sucks. It’s about why I actually hate personal growth. Eff this. It’s so hard, sometimes it feels too hard. And I feel both brave and hopeless and strong and weak all at once. I wish I had known how hard this would be – actually no, I don’t, because then I probably would have never have started this journey.
The thing is, I feel like an open wound right now. I can remember the part of this journey that feels so good and so hopeful, but I’m not in that joyous place in my journey right now. I’m in the dark and twisty part, today.
I feel like it is easier to give in to my dark side and dance with the Devil in the moonlight – it’s so tempting. And I even feel like I’ll enjoy it. And I hate that.
So it’s either go down the darker path and feel good while contributing to my destruction, or go down the path of recovery and feel like I’m soaked in kerosene and walking through fire.
But I know, logically, that it’s through the fire that I am forged.
If I had known I would not recognize my self, I don’t know if I would have started this work. If I had known my relationships would change so drastically, I don’t think I’d have attempted change.
But it’s pointless to think about what if, or what might have been. I am awake to the fact that I do value my recovery, and it hurts me to imagine going backwards. So even if it hurts like hell, I’ll keep going.
Thanks for reading this absolute pity-post. 🙂