Somewhere along the healing journey, self-sabotage rears its funny-looking head. It can come in many disguises. Most lately, my self-sabotage has me thinking, “that’s enough goodness for today.” But the reality is: there is no Goodness Maximum or Goodness Limit.
The strange, irrational, “Is this too much goodness?” feeling comes up when I’ve just done one or two chores, errands, hobbies, or tasks, and instead of feeling accomplished or satisfied, I find myself collapsing on the couch or bed in a huff of fake exhaustion.
It’s like I have this predisposition to act like a victim or a martyr of my own life – even when I like my own life!
Like, I get it, life can be full of drudgeries: laundry, dishwasher, groceries – the cycle ends once I’m dead, a fact that is for my happy ass, hard to fathom.
But come on, Pearl (I’m talking to myself now,) you’re young! You’re vibrant! You shouldn’t be huffing and puffing yet!
So what? Am I just bored? And if so, what should I do with all my youthful vibrancy? I’m already doing the most – keeping myself, a cat, and an apartment in good shape. I’m also in charge of the Jane Austen Book Club of NYC. Add to that, I’m out here writing this blog and my book proposal as if I’ve got something to prove.
It seems like I’ve got a lot going on, but yet I find myself twiddling my thumbs and getting antsy.
Okay, here’s the kicker, my dear reader: I think it’s time to add something else to my plate.
Brainstorm! I could do a ballet class, writing class, train for a marathon, write a book proposal, apply to graduate school, learn Mandarin, or host weekly chess tournaments.
“But is that too much goodness?” asks that part of my brain that self-sabotages in order to protect itself from the new, the unknown, the wilderness…
“How much goodness is too much?” I asked my therapist, as we discussed this very topic. Her response was, “There is no such thing as too much goodness.”
I tried to prove her wrong: what about over-eating? What about over-indulging, or over-spending something? Isn’t there too much of a good thing?
But going overboard and not knowing healthy boundaries when it comes to food, money, relationships… going overboard is not the same thing as too much goodness.
You see, life is hard enough as it is. And no one is immune, no one is spared – no one. We will all go through bumps, and get hurt, and feel sorrow and grief.
That being said, we also get to enjoy life. And I am choosing to believe that there is no limit to that joy, for me. I choose to believe that it’s impossible for me to ever hit a cap when G-d says, “that’s it, you’ve become too healthy, better go back to feeling less good about life.”
Realizing that I, a human being and adult person, have the capacity to go further than the vibrational maximum that I had previously reached, is both exciting and heartening, and that’s for two reasons:
Reason, the first: the fact that I can add more to my plate, whether it be a charity, sport, or language, is a sign that what I’m doing right now is working! Such as: staying regular with my psychiatry and therapy appointments, running the dishwasher at night, doing laundry in the morning, and keeping Mari Kondo close to heart.
Reason, the second: putting my energy to use in new ways means that I’m comfortable and familiar with my current situation. One year ago, that was not the case! It’s great to know that my imagination is branching out, because it means I feel safe here in the life that I created. And I do.
This is exciting, and not bad. See? The discomfort that comes from self-sabotage, and catching myself red-handed, taught me something valuable, once again.
With Summertime around the bend (Equinox on June 20th this year! yas!) I think it’s important to indulge in our limitlessness…
What did you do lately to self-sabotage, but then you caught yourself? How do you feel about yourself when you get yourself back on track? Was there a time when it was hard to be compassionate with yourself in those moments?
Thanks for reading, and let me know your thoughts in the comments!